Priorities

I am a person who believes in being organized. I like to plan things out. Excessively. I make lists, then go through the lists and compile other lists based on due date, importance, etc. The bad thing about this is that when things on the list don't get done, they spiral out of contol and snowball into this feeling of uselessness and defeat. I'm tired of it.

I have decided that I am going to stop making excessively detailed lists. They are a recipe for failure. I start my new position tomorrow, and from what I have heard, there are tons of deadlines and paperwork, and more stress. On top of this, I am learning everything from the bottom up. My learning curve is going to be a vertical line this week.

I put too much stress and pressure on myself. I have high expectations, which I view as a good thing, but then when something doesn't meet those expectation or falls through the cracks, I get this sense of worthlessness, like I am somehow lacking as a person. My half of our D/s dynamic revolves around certain things I do (or don't) around the house. Making sure dinner is made. Making sure that dinner is reasonable healthy. Not breaking the bank while shopping for said meals. Keeping the house clean. Keeping up with the laundry, the dishes, my growing piles of books and magazines. On top of a 40 hour a week job with a commute.

I am tired of looking into the mirror and feeling bad about the way I look. I love myself as a person, and I know how shallow this seems. I don't have to be super skinny. Sir would not like that. I just want to look in the mirror and feel ok about the person I see looking back at me. This winter, I have gained about five pounds. It doesn't seem like much, but I think it was the push that sent me over the edge. I am an unhealthy weight for my height. I feel lazy. My skin has started to fight back. I don't want to go out and do anything because I would rather sit on the couch and watch TV than have to stand up and walk around.

My job has no doubt encouraged this. I have also stopped taking my thyroid meds on a regular basis because I have a slightly irrational fear that they are making my hair fall out. The downside of this is that it takes months to see any difference in my hair, but my skin has dried out and I feel like crap all the time.

I am going to start taking better care of myself. I am going to portion out ME TIME every single day when I get home from work (probably after dinner). I am going to eat better. Work out. Walk on that damn treadmill. Stop judging myself so harshly. Relax. Sir always tells me that he is afraid I am going to give myself a stroke with as much as I worry and stress about everything.

Here's to March! And here's to loving yourself and being the best version of yourself that there is!

Always his,

His Lady Aurora