Priorities

I am a person who believes in being organized. I like to plan things out. Excessively. I make lists, then go through the lists and compile other lists based on due date, importance, etc. The bad thing about this is that when things on the list don't get done, they spiral out of contol and snowball into this feeling of uselessness and defeat. I'm tired of it.

I have decided that I am going to stop making excessively detailed lists. They are a recipe for failure. I start my new position tomorrow, and from what I have heard, there are tons of deadlines and paperwork, and more stress. On top of this, I am learning everything from the bottom up. My learning curve is going to be a vertical line this week.

I put too much stress and pressure on myself. I have high expectations, which I view as a good thing, but then when something doesn't meet those expectation or falls through the cracks, I get this sense of worthlessness, like I am somehow lacking as a person. My half of our D/s dynamic revolves around certain things I do (or don't) around the house. Making sure dinner is made. Making sure that dinner is reasonable healthy. Not breaking the bank while shopping for said meals. Keeping the house clean. Keeping up with the laundry, the dishes, my growing piles of books and magazines. On top of a 40 hour a week job with a commute.

I am tired of looking into the mirror and feeling bad about the way I look. I love myself as a person, and I know how shallow this seems. I don't have to be super skinny. Sir would not like that. I just want to look in the mirror and feel ok about the person I see looking back at me. This winter, I have gained about five pounds. It doesn't seem like much, but I think it was the push that sent me over the edge. I am an unhealthy weight for my height. I feel lazy. My skin has started to fight back. I don't want to go out and do anything because I would rather sit on the couch and watch TV than have to stand up and walk around.

My job has no doubt encouraged this. I have also stopped taking my thyroid meds on a regular basis because I have a slightly irrational fear that they are making my hair fall out. The downside of this is that it takes months to see any difference in my hair, but my skin has dried out and I feel like crap all the time.

I am going to start taking better care of myself. I am going to portion out ME TIME every single day when I get home from work (probably after dinner). I am going to eat better. Work out. Walk on that damn treadmill. Stop judging myself so harshly. Relax. Sir always tells me that he is afraid I am going to give myself a stroke with as much as I worry and stress about everything.

Here's to March! And here's to loving yourself and being the best version of yourself that there is!

Always his,

His Lady Aurora

Unwinding

This is my first weekend off from the new job and Sir and I are planning on figuring out what each of us needs to do to feel better about this situation. But yesterday, we just relaxed. Sir came home, took a nap, showered, and got dressed up to match me (since I have to dress up for my new job). He had a drink, which helped him to transition into weekend mode, and I drove us to dinner. We got an appetizer, which we don't ever do, Sir told me to get a drink if I wanted, so I did. I tried a new one that I haven't had before, and it was very good. We had a nice, relaxing dinner, and just enjoyed each other's company. Sir remarked on the way home (he drove, having worn off his beer from earlier in the afternoon) that he felt like we were "normal" and it felt odd. We didn't get home until about 8, which is usually the time we head to bed. We sat up and watched TV, part of a movie, and tried a new beer Sir had gotten us in honor of my job. We had first tried it on a visit to my hometown and we both loved it, which was strange since we aren't really beer drinkers.

This morning, Sir mauled me in bed, which was lovely. He tried a new position of sorts-me on top, which he loves, but then he pinned my ankles down to the bed. The feeling of restraint was very hot. We also tried an elevated doggy style and he absolutely pounded me until I was sore. Still am sore, excuse me. Then he told me that I was dirty, and dirty girls like threesomes (which is our reference to using a vibrator alongside him or a butt plug back there). I agreed that I was a dirty whore and he shoved the butt plug in and continued on his merry way, calling me his dirty slut and stuff like that.

So in other words, we are feeling like we have returned to our normal situation. I made breakfast, we cleaned up the house a little, I brought him his coffee upon his command. We still have to sit down and figure out how to keep things going during the week--normally I would be home way before him and clean things up and start dinner, but now I get home after him.

I made the menu--we are going shopping tomorrow--and I think I have things figured out. If we/he goes shopping twice a week-once on weekends and once mid-week, I can prep everything for the next three to four days and toss it in the fridge. This will drastically cut down on prep time because I can either just toss it all in and cook immediately when I get home, or Sir can measure what we need and not have to really think or do much "cooking." I also plan on doing small appetizers we can eat while the meal is still cooking--and I should get stuff for salads too. Sir is worried that since I sit down a lot now, I am going to gain weight. I am worried about that too, since I already have metabolism issues due to my thyroid problems and probable IBS/lactose intolerance. There is a little park-type thing nearby, and I have been walking around that during my breaks. Its nice to get to go outside during the day.

Always his,
HLA