Why?

So Sir and I had a discussion about this new D/s dynamic the other day. We were both cranky (me more than him), so it didn't go very well. He said that he felt like I am only into being a sub when I already want to do whatever it is he asks of me. So basically, he feels like I am topping from the bottom (hopefully that usage is correct). Which got me thinking--why do I hesitate to do what he asks sometimes? Why do I sometimes get cranky when he asks me to do things for him? And then it hit me: I have always had a hard time trusting people and I still don't trust him entirely. I mean, I know I would do anything for him (except bring his dishes into the kitchen sometimes, apparently, haha), and I love him more than anything else, but when it comes down to letting someone else basically control my actions...that line in the sand just gets closer and closer and I fight back.

I was screwed over and lied to in my last relationship and I think that really scarred my ability to trust. Add to that a childhood of one parent lying or exaggerating to make the other one look bad, and the other one being hundreds of miles away due to a divorce--my patterns of trust were stretched, if not broken.

So after me being very upset and trying to "call off" the whole D/s thing because it felt like he didn't like it and that I was a freak, he calmed me down and explained that he knows I like it, that he likes it too, and that he wants sort of a list/explanation of what I want out of this. For the record, I told him we should sit down and hash this out forever ago, but he said that was dumb. :P

So my task for this next week, since today is MY LAST DAY AT WORK until I start my new job, is to figure out how to explain why I love this and what I need out of it. Easy, right?

Always his,
HLA