Finishing 30 days and random musings

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

 

Not for me, but I can see the appeal. You can engage or not engage to whatever degree you feel comfortable.

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Not yet, but I can't really think how they would manifest into the kink activites. "Here, let me spank you with this cookbook..."

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

I like to wear one of my "outfits." These are satiny, lacy things that make me feel sexy and sensual. They don't usually stay on very long, but they help set my mood and make me feel confident.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Sir calls me a few different pet names in vanilla-land, but usually sticks with "my dirty girl" or "naughty girl" or something like that. I think they help distinguish between a scene and our everyday lives together. If Sir called me a whore upon my return home from work, I would be kind of pissed. But when he does it during sex, its hot.

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

I really like the idea of submission in relation to my marriage. I think it forces me to think about my actions as more a reflection of Sir than of myself. It forces me to be less selfish, to think of him first. I also think it has made me more confident and sure of myself, since I am sure of this very private facet of my life. Its like when you wear matching underwear--only you know it, but it makes you feel more sure. Maybe that is just me...

I'd really like to get the guts to comment and get involved with the other blogs I read. They are all smart, funny ladies who I think I would be friends with in real life.

Belated Check-in and updates

I am two days late for my Sunday check-in, but things have been busy around here lately. My birthday, crazy work schedules, and life in general got in the way. Moving on...

 

Sunday Check-in:

 

Health and Wellbeing--have lost about 3 pounds. Got my blood drawn the other day so hopefully we can get my thyroid under control and figure out anything else I need to do. They are running some vitamin checks and a celiac test, so I will know if I need to worry about any of that.

 

Financial--have been making an effort to spend less money and to plan out meals so that we don't have to rely on a bare pantry or just go out. This week's splurge is a crock-pot meal with a fair amount of meat in it. Meat is expensive, and we don't eat it that often unless it is on sale or something, but this sounded great to Sir and I.

 

Personal--had a mini-meltdown yesterday after getting off from work. Had a terrible day for many diverse reasons, and then just started bawling on my way home and continued after getting into the house and exploding the whole thing to Sir. I am so sick of my job. I hate it. I hate it. I got some books from the library about how to revamp your resume and things like that. I will be reworking my stuff and trying again. Even though part of me thinks this is useless, that I have had several interviews and gotten nothing back from any of them.

 

Sir had a plan for me on Sunday when I got home. That was why I forgot to update. You'll see why. He texted me before I left work, telling me that when I got home, I was to immediately go upstairs and freshen up, then wait for him on the bed. He told me he had laid out everything I would need in the bathroom and that I should also put on the clothes he left on the bed. After flying home, I opened the door and hurried up to get ready. He had laid out everything for me, and laid out my corset from our wedding and a pair of white cheeky boyshorts. I rinsed off under a cold shower to cool off and laid down on the bed after pulling on the outfit he chose. After a few minutes, he came upstairs and began the most BDSM scene we had ever done. It was wonderful. He ordered me to my knees to take him in my mouth, he tied me up with some old silk ties, he tortured me with my vibrator, and oh, yes, he spanked me with a belt. He seemed to get really into it, and I could tell he was afraid of hurting me, but it was glorious. GLORIOUS. The whole thing was so much fun and so intense. I'm actually wondering if perhaps my meltdown yesterday was some sort of subdrop from Sunday. Anyway, he seemed very into the whole thing and I hope he does it again sometime.

 

I've got a house to straighten and clean up and things to watch on the DVR, so I'm off!

 

Always his,

HLA

 

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Taking care of myself

I had a doctor's appointment the other day. I haven't been to a regular doctor since I was little (my mom thinks check-ups are stupid) but I needed a refill for my thyroid medicine and had some questions that I wanted to ask a regular general doctor.

She ordered a ton of blood tests to check my thyroid levels and some other stuff to get a baseline for me. I'm really mostly concerned about my thyroid because over the past year, my hair has thinned noticeably. Sir has considered taking me to one of those laser hair places because it makes me so uncomfortable. My hair used to be so thick that if I didn't blow dry it, it wouldn't dry for a whole day. Now, I can air dry it for ten minutes and it is almost dry. So I have to go in soon and get the blood drawn so we can get to work on my thyroid.

Sir has been exhausted for several days now, so I have no sexy time reports. We haven't had a day off together for a while now so that is probably contributing as well. I've been trying to take special care of him and we will have some time this weekend, so I have good feelings about that.

I was on Submissive Guide the other day and there was an article about making your own mantra. So here is mine. I am a positive and motivated person who is working toward a better me!

Here are some more days of kink for you!


Day 23: Since getting into kink, how have your interests/perspectives changed?

I am more willing to try new things in general. Foods, movies, activities--I feel more free, I guess.

Day 24: Qualities I look for in a partner:

Caring, trustworthy, honest. My Sir is a very good match for me. Good thing we are married to each other.

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Not at all open with my family. Imagine a door, sealed with duct tape, backed by a cement wall. That's the mental image I get. The door that leads to my professional life is closed, but you can see light around the edges. Probably all the women at work have read Fifty Shades, and several more enjoy the Bared to You series--and the discussion of any future movies and who should play the male leads is as far as we go. The door that leads to Sir is cracked, and gets a little more open every day. He is still getting used to this, but I haven't scared him off so far.

Off to clean/shop/watch TV and do nothing. Wish me luck!

Always his,
HLA

Slow Start

It's been a rough week in terms of my rules. My job is very mentally and physically demanding, so I've not gone to the gym as many times as I should. Sir thinks I should aim for every weekday, which is fair, but then I actually go through the week and days don't work for various reasons. Closed for the holiday one day, I didn't feel well the other day, I had a dentist appointment and didn't get home until later than I anticipated. So basically I made excuses, some more valid than others. This weekend is also out because of visiting the in-laws. So I will start on Monday with a fresh slate.

I do enjoy these 30 days of kink. They make me think about why I like this lifestyle, even if I am still struggling with certain aspects of it. Here's more!

Day 21: Favorite BSDM book

I've read lots of Maya Banks, I just finished the first book of Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty trilogy, I've read the Bared to You series (which isn't really BSDM but is more erotic lit), and of course, the Fifty Shades that started it all. I would have to say that Fifty Shades (the first book) is my favorite, just because I really identify with Ana as she learns about all this crazy stuff and ends up liking it. Maya Banks' Fever and Rush were also very good. They made me mentally picture a threesome, and I must admit that the idea is intriguing. Am I far too jealous of a person to actually do this in real life? Probably. Is Sir also too jealous for RL? Almost certainly.

Day 22: How to keep a BDSM relationship healthy vs. vanilla relationships

BDSM relationships require more patience. I'm not a patient person, but I have learned already that I need to work on that for Sir. He needs me to be patient with him as he works this idea into his head. Our version of D/s revolves mostly around sex right now, but I have started calling him Sir in text messages and sometimes out loud. I can tell it makes him a little uncomfortable but I can also tell he likes it. So patience is needed when I have to back off because he's uncomfortable. Vanilla relationships are similar to BSDM and I don't really feel like anything else pops into my head. Communication, trust, love, etc are needed in both.



I think I might add a weekly rule check-in so that I can consciously sit down and go over how I have done in each category. Probably on Sundays. I need that kind of personal accountability.

Always his,
HLA

Vibrator Heaven

I realize that I am probably the last woman on earth to discover this, but vibrator-induced clitoral orgasms are my new drug. Sir decided to use himself in my ass and then press my vibrator against my clitoris. Until I almost died and went to submissive heaven. My legs were numb, my ass muscle was so tight I had a spasm...it was unbelievable. Onto the next few days of kink:

Day 12: Humorous BDSM story.

This isn't really a story, and I can't think of any that I have been involved in, but I find it funny that vanilla people think everyone involved in BDSM is running around 24/7 in spiked dog collars, leather, more leather, and ball gags. If you aren't doing that, you just aren't BDSM. I guess it is also somewhat annoying because I now identify myself somewhat as BDSM, albeit privately, and I don't think anyone in a million years would classify me as BDSM.

Day 13: Appeal/draw of BDSM to me.

I like the idea of giving up control. Of being completely devoted to Sir. Of being used to make Sir, someone I love, very happy. I'm not a very outwardly emotional person, and this lets me show him without saying it how much he means to me. That I would do anything for him. That I trust him unconditionally.

Day 14: Real life vs. fantasy BDSM.

I think lots of things sound good on paper in relation to BDSM. For example, I love the idea of Sir taking me into the bedroom, ordering me on my knees, and making me suck him off. In real life, he hasn't quite gotten comfortable with the idea of ordering me around like that and the taste of semen makes me gag. Quite a bit. But the idea is very hot.

Day 15: Kink/BDSM wish list activity

I would really like to try a flogger. I am actually thinking of making one/buying one but I have to get Sir on the bandwagon first. So being tied up and flogged.

Day 16: Most difficult aspect of BDSM

Giving up control, even when I want to. And also keeping this under wraps. My work life would cease to exist, my family would probably disown me, and I would generally be a pariah if anyone found out about this. I am not ashamed, not at all, but I choose my battles.

Day 17: Misconception about kinky people

We are all crazy, loud, in your face about it. In reality, I think most BDSM people are a little secretive about it. Its your sex life, after all, and people don't generally run around screaming about their vanilla sex, let alone being whipped and stuff.

Day 18: Kinky pet peeves.

I can't really think of any.

Day 19: Ways that kink has improved my life

Since I have had to introduce Sir to this whole idea, it has made me more forthcoming about what I want and what makes me happy in terms of our relationship. And our sex life. It has also made me more relaxed (due to copious amounts of really good sex) and more motivated to take care of myself. Who wants to be around a submissive who hates themself? How can I make Sir happy if I am miserable?

Day 20: Something BDSM I am curious or confused about

I wonder about the hierarchy of sorts between vanilla, bottom, submissive, slave, and animal/little kid dynamics. I listed them in the order of "severity" as I see them. I think its pretty interesting that there are such clear lines between each section and wonder what makes someone want to go further in.

I have been doing really bad at getting up with Sir and making breakfast. I think I need to get my thyroid medicine upped next time I go in. I feel SO tired all the time, and very unmotivated to do much of anything. I'm getting that checked out in a few weeks, so hopefully I will be feeling better in a few months. Stupid thyroid.

Always his,
HLA

Just when I find something good...

I heard about this blog-disaster letter going around. I didn't have an email, but I don't have ads on my page either. Just when I finally get into this whole blogging thing, everyone freaks out and considers shutting down their stuff. Hoping for the best.

Yesterday, Sir and I had a 'discussion' of sorts. He had a long day at work, and was very cranky all day. He texted me a few times saying he needed to change his attitude. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity for a little scening, and proceeded to dress a little skanky in a short skirt and revealing shirt. He got home and completely ignored it, which was odd because he loves when I wear skirts. I was hurt, because I immediately thought the worst: I had freaked him out with my new interest in D/s and he was shutting down. Or I was fat. So I got all pissy and cranky, which didn't add to his mood. After a long discussion, we determined that I just have really bad timing.

He is not creeped out or anything by the D/s stuff (score!). He was just exhausted and that was the last thing on his mind. I also realized that maybe I am so "fervent" (his words) about this stuff because I was sexually repressed for like my whole life. Now that something makes sense, is fun, and makes me feel good about myself, I want it all the time. At the start of our relationship, he was the one who wanted it all the time. I refused, taking baby steps into the normal teenage world of kissing and making out. Sir is my first and only sexual partner, for the record. I was so behind in learning 'the basics' of a relationship that the idea of anything more than kissing was almost panic-inducing. It was dirty, whorish, something to be guilty about. But I liked it. Did that mean that I was dirty and whorish?

This is a good segue into Day 11 of the 30 days of kink. The ethics of kink. As long as all parties are of age, sound mind, and want to be involved in the kink, I say go for it! Certain safety precautions should be taken, depending on how far into the kink the parties will go, but as long as everyone is cool with it, why not? If I want to be hung upside down and spanked while someone shoves their penis in my mouth, who has the right to tell me no? Not that I would enjoy that. Not at all. *shifty eyes*

Sir and I are both off tomorrow. We are currently working through a bottle of Pinot Grigio (which is much better than I thought it would be), and I am definitely hoping for some cuddling and maybe some spanking. I am trying to think of a way to ask him to spank me with something other than his hand. Like a paddle or something. He doesn't like to hurt me, which is sweet in general, but really irritating when we are in the moment and I really want him to smack my ass with something that will hurt. I'll let you know how it goes.

Always his,
HLA

Sir comes out to play...and more days of kink

So I've been focusing more on Sir's "man candy" lately. It makes him very happy, and then he makes me happy. Several times. Anyway. I was enjoying my Sir lollipop last night when he totally took charge and pinned me to the bed, played with my plugs, and wondered out loud what would happen if he came in my mouth and made me swallow it. *sub swoon* We ended up trying a new position and he didn't quite make it to my mouth in time, but the whole encounter was super exciting. He isn't usually that forceful, and I could tell he was greatly enjoying it. Which made me happy, because I love it when he takes control.

Onto the 30 days...

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting fantasy.

Hmmm. I can tell you it would involve nipple clamps (although I've never tried them, they are on my list of things to try), being tied up, possibly a flogger or a paddle of some kind (also on my must-try list), and basically being "kidnapped" for the weekend. For Sir to use me whenever he wants, focusing on whatever he wants me to do.

Day 7: Favorite toy?

Mine would probably be my good old vibrator. Sir likes to play with it and torture me everywhere. He also likes to give me a "threesome" with the vibrator.

Day 8: Kinky image I find erotic.




Simple but effective. Sir likes that style of nylons also.

Day 9: Kink related song/music video I enjoy.

Lace and Leather by Britney Spears. I can't really think of any others at this moment. That song makes me feel sexy though.

Day 10: Hard Limits

Scat play. Water sports. Needles. Fire play. An actual whip. Again, since I'm still getting my bearings, not sure what the options even are, let alone which ones I would never do. I feel like I would be open to anything that doesn't leave a gaping, open wound.

******

Sir and I were talking about my blog last night and cleared some things up. He understands the urges but didn't understand why it came on so fast. Well, I'm an impatient person, for one. Everything I do is fast. Also, as I explained to him, it was like I had a halleluia moment and finally figured out a huge part of my personality, especially as it relates to us as a couple. Everything started to click, like a giant sun illuminated my sex life. A bit dramatic, but there you go. As though the goddess Aurora had brought my dawn. Sorry. Melodrama.

So he gets it, understands it, and seems to really enjoy it, judging from last night. I feel like our relationship has always been this way, unofficially. It feels good to have a name for it.

Always His,
HLA

30 Days of Kink--only faster!

After seeing several other blogs doing this, I figured it might be a good way to guide the babbling and help me focus. This blog is a huge step outside my comfort zone, and answering questions feels easier than volunteering the info on my own. Here are the first couple questions from 30 DOK and my answers.

Day 1: In a nutshell, define your kinky self. D/s? What appeals to you?

I consider myself the submissive partner in my marriage. I enjoy making him happy, whether it is by prepping the coffee maker for him the night before so he has fresh coffee in the mornings, by making his lunch (when I get up with him, something I need to work on), by keeping the house cleaned up. The idea of being "controlled" in my daily life is not something I am comfortable with, until I think about the idea that both of us controls the other already. I try to limit my use of a certain F word because he thinks it is beneath me (outside the bedroom, of course). He cleans up the kitchen if I don't get to it (and I often don't), in exchange for me making dinner every night. I think he secretly likes it when he asks me to make his coffee and I immediately get up and get it ready. It is a way for me to show him how much I love him, especially when I behave otherwise. I have kind of a temper.

Day 2: List your kinks.

I like being dominated (convenient, right?) in the bedroom. Spankings are excellent. I think I enjoy pain, so I guess that would be masochism? I am very new to the idea of speaking about sex openly, so this category will probably grow as I learn more about BDSM. I do like vibrators and butt plugs. Can you see me blushing right now? Probably for the best. Just added restraints after answering number 4.

Day 3: How did you discover that you were kinky?

I never knew that there was a word for my particular cup of tea until I read Fifty Shades. Several of my close co-workers were talking about it and one of them offered to lend me her copy. Halfway through the first book, I returned the borrowed copy and bought all three titles. Something sparked in me, blazing through the terrible writing and weak storyline of the books. The idea of serving someone I loved, serving in every way, was very attractive. I am a very selfish person sometimes, and I would like to work on not being so selfish, especially in terms of my relationship with my Sir Charming.

Day 4: Any experiences that foreshadow your kink?

My sexual history is rather short. I have been with exactly one person, and sex was never brought up in my house. I never had The Talk about sex, periods, etc. Unless you count the one that they do in school. Which I don't, because no one is really paying attention anyway. Anytime I had feelings that remotely fell into the sexual category, the general aura of my homelife made me feel like they were something bad, something to feel guilty about. During high school, I finally figured out that these feelings were normal. Once I realized that, I started to notice that I really liked certain things I saw in movies or read about in books. I liked the rough, passionate scenes, liked the idea of the bad boy, liked the idea of being handcuffed. So add restraints to number 2. Check.

Day 5: Your first kinky sexual experience.

I'm going with the first one that Sir Charming and I were both aware was kinky. This was about a month ago. I told you I was new. I came home from work, and was presented with a chilled shot since I had been bitching all day via text about how horrid my day was. After he handed me the shot, he told me to drink it. In a very Sir-like tone. Which made me very interested. I have been dropping hints left and right for months about all this kinky and/or D/s stuff and he seems a little creeped out by it. Maybe its because I'm so interested in it. Anyway, he then ordered me to the bedroom, where he told me to go into the bathroom and undress. I came out, and he was in silk boxers, armed with a necktie. He tied up my wrists and proceeded to...ahem...detain me, for the next 20 minutes. It was glorious.

I'm hoping maybe this blog will let me process this kind of stuff outside of talking about it with Sir Charming quite so much. He is still very vanilla, and I don't want to scare him off. :) That would make me a very sad Lady Aurora.

Ever his,
HLA