Wants and Fears

With nothing much going on in the way of kink recently due to Sir's stress and generally not having much time together, I have had lots of time to think about our dynamic. For a while there, I wanted out. Never out of the relationship (Sir and I have been married for almost 4 years and have been together for a total of 8, have known each other since high school), just out of the dynamic. And we had only been "in it" since around the time I started this blog over the summer.

I'm a very stubborn person. I'm a very impatient person. These two things do not readily shift to the idea of submission, and yet the idea of submission itself was fascinating and kind of deja-vu-ish. Sir has always been the dominant one in our relationship, and I love doings for him to make him happy. Like getting up at an obscene hour with him to make sure he gets a good breakfast and coffee before I go to work.

When I wanted out of the D/s thing we had set up for ourselves, I was feeling smothered. I barely looked at my blog or my reading list. The idea of sex just turned me off because I knew he would be demanding something of me. Something I didn't want to give. Complete control. Trust. Faith.

I think I was afraid.

I've always had trust issues. My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school and I always only ever heard the one side of the story. The idea that the story I was hearing was a lie had never occured to me--until the reality of it hit. I have issues with letting people get close to me. I have Daddy issues. My first boyfriend took advantage of my naivety and the fact that I didn't know any better. As a reaction to these and many more facets of my life, I have a fear that I am not good enough to want forever.

Talking to a therapist (I stopped going this spring) and talking to Sir over the past few weeks helped me to realize that I AM good enough.

And that has brought me back around to the idea of being an "official" submissive. The idea of giving myself entirely over to Sir still makes me nervous, but it also creates a feeling of yearning to serve him, to make him entirely happy, to see the effects my service and behavior have on him.

For the new year, in addition to my list of resolutions and a 101 Things to Do in 1001 Days (borrowed from Molly's Daily Kiss), I will be reworking my submissive "goals," for lack of a better term. I like lists.

For now, I am simply His Lady Aurora.

PS. It looks like I might actually have readers. Thank you, whoever you are. Feel free to say hi!