Work Vent

I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job.

I love my house. I love having food. I love my health insurance (which is apparently very good). I love being able to contribute to our income.

These two sets of statements do not coincide very well in my head.

I have being seeing a therapist for the past six months because of a depression that my job was a main factor of. Everything I hate (almost) can be tied back to my job. I have low self-esteem because I feel like this job is the best thing I can get. I have a degree in a semi-stable career field, but am stuck in this hourly shit job that a high schooler could do. I have applied for manager positions. I have asked repeatedly to be moved up within the company. I have applied for other entry level positions at other places. Nothing. In the past year I have put in dozens of applications and have gotten exactly four interviews. Four. Am I really that shitty?

Driving home from work today, I found myself crying because I would rather be dead than keep working at my job for five more years. My job makes me think less of myself, makes me question every major decision in my life. Should I have even gone to college? I'd be in the same boat I am now, but I wouldn't be looking beyond my current position. Will Sir and I ever be able to afford to have kids? We both want them, desperately. We have names in mind. Sir bought a monster shaped night light on clearance somewhere a year ago. The trouble is how we would afford day care because infant daycare in our area costs more than I make. It would be cheaper for us if I quit my job to take care of the kid. If I worked, we would be losing money. People keep telling us that if we wait until we can afford it, we will never do it. I want to slap them. Sorry for waiting until I can support my family. Sorry we don't want to be like those people with eight kids, no jobs, and 3K in food stamps per month.

I feel like giving up hope of ever finding a different job. The chances of me getting a job in my field are pretty much nothing. There are so many graduating classes between me and the new grads that there is no chance they would hire me over one of them. Putting in applications feels like a waste of time. No one ever calls back. No one ever wants to talk.

I'm really hoping for that one call from that one person who has a job for me. One person, one perfect opportunity. I work hard at my job, for nothing. No one notices. No one appreciates it. I want to work somewhere I am proud to announce. Not my usual, I work at Company X. Oh, yes, my job is very nice. Because what the hell am I supposed to say? I hope that mother effing place goes up in smoke. They can kiss my ass. People frown on that kind of openness and honesty.

Here's hoping for THAT call. And if you are in the same boat as me, I'm toasting to you too. Here's to not throwing in the towel quite yet.