Another break...

.....and I'm back.

I finally caught up on my blog reading list, and I have missed it more than I realized. There has been some upheaval in our house over the last few weeks, and I think maybe that is why we have slowed the D/s (and why I haven't been blogging).

Sir's job situation is in the shitter right now. He is throwing out applications left and right, but isn't hearing anything back. He will be going out of town--overnight--in a few months (provided he doesn't get something else), and neither of us is happy about that. We haven't been apart overnight since we got married. The really crappy thing is that this isn't even part of his job, but the person who is supposed to do it is sick and won't be able to, and since Sir has to have a job, he can't just quit.

The only bad thing about my job is the traffic I have to drive in on my way home. I have tried every route that I can think of and the shortest route is still too long. It wouldn't be so bad if Sir didn't have to get up so early, but with his job situation now, he is getting up even earlier than he used to...so I feel like I need to have dinner ready the moment I come through the door so that we aren't eating and then going directly up to bed.

I can't remember if I mentioned it in the last post, but I went back on my birth control in response to Sir's job situation. We decided I will go off of it for good in October, because we aren't going to let his job dictate our lives, but I think going off (for the first time in 10 years) and then going right back on again messed up my hormones or something because we never seem to want to play at the same time anymore.

The only bright spot in all of this is that I have been so preoccupied with other things that I have slacked off on housework--so Sir made me a weekly schedule of things I have to get done around the house. Since I am not getting up with him anymore (because it is far too early), he has set a schedule for my mornings so that the house stays relatively intact throughout the week.

Besides that, nothing much to report. I'll try to update more, because I enjoy having a venting space, but with everything else going on right now, I'm not sure that I will have time.

Work Vent

I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job.

I love my house. I love having food. I love my health insurance (which is apparently very good). I love being able to contribute to our income.

These two sets of statements do not coincide very well in my head.

I have being seeing a therapist for the past six months because of a depression that my job was a main factor of. Everything I hate (almost) can be tied back to my job. I have low self-esteem because I feel like this job is the best thing I can get. I have a degree in a semi-stable career field, but am stuck in this hourly shit job that a high schooler could do. I have applied for manager positions. I have asked repeatedly to be moved up within the company. I have applied for other entry level positions at other places. Nothing. In the past year I have put in dozens of applications and have gotten exactly four interviews. Four. Am I really that shitty?

Driving home from work today, I found myself crying because I would rather be dead than keep working at my job for five more years. My job makes me think less of myself, makes me question every major decision in my life. Should I have even gone to college? I'd be in the same boat I am now, but I wouldn't be looking beyond my current position. Will Sir and I ever be able to afford to have kids? We both want them, desperately. We have names in mind. Sir bought a monster shaped night light on clearance somewhere a year ago. The trouble is how we would afford day care because infant daycare in our area costs more than I make. It would be cheaper for us if I quit my job to take care of the kid. If I worked, we would be losing money. People keep telling us that if we wait until we can afford it, we will never do it. I want to slap them. Sorry for waiting until I can support my family. Sorry we don't want to be like those people with eight kids, no jobs, and 3K in food stamps per month.

I feel like giving up hope of ever finding a different job. The chances of me getting a job in my field are pretty much nothing. There are so many graduating classes between me and the new grads that there is no chance they would hire me over one of them. Putting in applications feels like a waste of time. No one ever calls back. No one ever wants to talk.

I'm really hoping for that one call from that one person who has a job for me. One person, one perfect opportunity. I work hard at my job, for nothing. No one notices. No one appreciates it. I want to work somewhere I am proud to announce. Not my usual, I work at Company X. Oh, yes, my job is very nice. Because what the hell am I supposed to say? I hope that mother effing place goes up in smoke. They can kiss my ass. People frown on that kind of openness and honesty.

Here's hoping for THAT call. And if you are in the same boat as me, I'm toasting to you too. Here's to not throwing in the towel quite yet.